For those of us with long past of traumatic experiences it is easy to fall in the trap of wanting to share them. This might happen due to several reasons: we meet new people and we get to the point where we trust them enough and so we feel that such an important part of our lives should not be left out, specially when we value the outcome of the experience, i.e. what we have learned from it. Or maybe we decide to share it with a relative of ours that had been kept in the dark about it for a long time. Or even worse -and this happens at the beginning a lot-, because we think we need to share this part of ourselves in order to be valued as human beings.
Validation is what we are really after, I must say. And in a few cases we will find it. There are some compasive and supportive ears out there. Let us call this “Group A”. “Group A” will listen to our story, empathize in the best possible way and they will even ask questions that will make us feel validated. There, it happened. And during those moments a part of us feels held in the warmth of friendly arms.
There are other possible reactions but none of them -with their subtle differences- will give us the comfort of a safe space nor the validation we are seeking. This will be “Group B”. This group will feel sorry for us and judge us or, even worse, will listen to the story, enjoy it in a morbid way and end up dismissing our experiences all together. When this happens, frustration, anger, resentment, sadness and -the worse- remorsment for having shared our secret with the wrong person.
After sharing our trauma, therefore, we will end up feeling in two possible ways: either validated and comforted or mad and remorseful. But this is not the real aftermath.
After sharing our trauma, therefore, we will end up feeling in two possible ways: either validated and comforted or mad and remorseful. But this is not the real aftermath.
Each time we share our traumatic experience, regardless of which kind of group was listening, we are re-opening our trauma response. We know that our brain does not differenciate between reality and thought, and neither does our nervous system. Any time we talk about a traumatic experience we re-live it and our sympathetic nervous system will activate our “fight-or-flight” response. This might come in different ways for each person, and might vary between the very first months and years later after it happened. But there is always some reminiscense in our bodies. We might be able to live a normal life, but we know that certain events take us of balance more than they should. Well, re-telling our “story” over and over is one of those triggering events.
Even if we were lucky enough to find one of those compassionate and validating beautiful ears, our sharing will have some side effects. Some of us will ignore them thinking that is just a rough patch -after all, it has been much worse, haven’t it?-, so I am going to list them to bring some awareness.
Lack of sleep. This is the most quickly noticeable. That first night, sleeping will be difficult -again-.
Feeling of emptiness -only when we talk to Group B. Until that very day we were looking forward to meeting our friends, but after sharing that experience with them they will become someone to avoid even if they had “only” thrown some judgements here and there. We hadn’t noticed but, when the friendship was not formed yet and we share traumatic events, we create a trauma bond when we should be bonding through our mutual interests. It is ok, now we know and we will do better next time we meet someone.
Brain fog/lack of focus and productivity. All of these go hand in hand. When we are in figth or flight mode our brains cannot focus on “unnecessary” tasks, its main goal is surviving. So we will need to find the way to go back to our bodies before we can return to our mundane tasks.
Isolating from people. The re-opening of the trauma naturally needs some isolation time to go back to ourselves, during which we will seek time in solitude and we inevitably avoid people.
I am leaving for last the most dangerous one, in my opinion, and that is the identification with our trauma. I find this one to be quite critical to avoid. We are much more than the traumatic event. We are actually the capacity we had to leave the abuser, the ability recover and heal some very deep wounds and, most importantly, the bravery to fight our demons as this is the only way out. And that should be what remains: our personal and private survival medal.
We should cherish our trauma as a treasure chest were we keep our suvival abilities
In conclusion, I think rather only share our traumatic story in therapy, and to a very few selected people -with very little detail- so that we do not unnecesarily re-live and re-open our wound. Instead, we should cherish our trauma as a treasure chest were we keep our suvival abilities. You sure can list a few. What are they? This list is key, because what you write there is a colection of items that have the power to defeat your inner demons and at the same time is the forgotten list of some of your most valuable qualities.
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